Talking with Young Kids about Sex and Sexual Abuse

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys experience child sexual abuse. Over 90% of the time, this is by someone they know.  - CDC

Talking about sex and sexuality with your children can feel uncomfortable. But children are naturally curious, and the goal is for your child to be able to come to you (and not only rely on their peers and the internet) when they have questions or are faced with situations that they find confusing.

Talking to your child about sex is not one lecture or “the talk”, but an ongoing conversation throughout the course of their development. But it is also never too late to start. 

Start early with teaching children the real/anatomic names of body parts and that some body parts are private. Talk with your children about body autonomy, that no one should touch or take a picture of their private parts and that no one should ask them to touch somebody else’s private parts. Talk about this at times when it comes up naturally, for example during a bath you can say that “it’s okay for mom and dad to help clean your private parts”. Reiterate who can look at or touch their private parts and under what conditions, for example at a physical exam or sick visit, you can say that it is “okay for the doctor to check your private parts to make sure you’re healthy when mom, dad or a nurse are also in the room”.  

Talk about consent early. Tell your child that it is okay to say “no” to anyone, including an adult, if they don’t want to be touched. And in the same manner, tell your child to always ask permission before touching anyone else. For example, ask “Can I give you a hug?” and wait for verbal permission before doing so. Give them alternate ways to show affection, such as with a high-five or fist bump if they or someone else is uncomfortable about being touched.

Teach your child about secrets that are okay vs. those that are not.  For example, a secret that is okay would be a surprise party. “Not okay secrets” are those involving private parts or when someone is hurt or going to hurt someone else (physical or emotional hurt). Tell your child that body secrets are not okay and that even if they are told not to tell or told that something bad will happen if they do tell, they will never be in trouble for telling a secret that is a “not okay secret”.  Teach your child about touches that are okay vs. those that are not. Remind your child that if someone does touch them in a way they don’t like, it is never their fault, and they will never be in trouble for telling you and you will always believe them. Tell your child that all these rules apply to adults they know and also to other children. Help your child identify other non-family adults/ group of adults, such as teachers or doctors, they can tell if something happens. 

Bring these points up in short conversations over time when themes naturally occur during story time reading, watching TV/movies, or hearing the news. When parents talk about sexual abuse with children it gives them the language that they need to talk about this.  

Because children are curious, they will ask questions about sex, and this is a great opportunity to share your knowledge and values. The answers you give depend on their age and developmental level. A good way to start is to ask your child what he or she already knows. Dispel any inaccurate information and then ask “does that answer your question?” Let your child guide the talk with their questions and give honest answers that are brief, without too much detail. Use information your child may know as a teachable moment.  Continue to ask if there are any other questions and let your child know he or she can ask you about anything. If your child were to say something you did not expect, remain calm and neutral. Ask open-ended questions to get more information. 
If you are concerned that your child was or is being abused, ask directly.  Choose a private place where he or she is comfortable.  Try to be more casual than serious so your child is less likely to feel scared or feel like there is something wrong. Young children need simple questions using their own vocabulary words such as, “Have you ever been touched by anyone in a way that made you uncomfortable?” or “Has anyone touched or looked at your private parts?” Use open-ended questions while remaining calm and neutral and reassuring that they are not to blame and not in trouble. 

Talking with children about sex when they are young lays the groundwork for future conversations about puberty, delaying sexual activity until older, and other topics such as pornography (see our article on talking with your children about pornography).  

Please talk with your pediatrician if you have any concerns.

Sources:
American Academy of Pediatrics and healthychildren.org
Childmind.org
Raisingchildren.net