We all want our kids to feel comfortable coming to us with anything. But how do we build that kind of relationship? It starts with learning how to listen.
Connection Starts With Conversation
Think about the people you feel closest to. With them, you can be yourself. You can share something exciting, talk about a difficult day, or admit a mistake without worrying about being judged. You feel heard. You feel understood.
With our kids, it’s no different. When they’re little, they want to tell us everything: what happened at school, the bug they found outside, the dream they had last night. As they grow, those conversations turn to friendships, school pressure, identity, and emotional struggles, and they may share a lot less. That’s part of growing up.
But they still need someone in their corner, someone they can bring the good stuff, the embarrassing stuff, and even the things they worry might disappoint us. We want to be that safe place. We can’t control whether our kids tell us everything. But we can pay attention to whether our conversations make it easier or harder for them to come to us.
We Know How to Talk. But Do We Know How to Listen?
Hearing what someone says and making them feel heard are two different things. We can hear every word our child says and still miss what they’re trying to tell us. We can be mentally preparing our response, or start solving the problem before they’ve finished talking.
We do these things because we care. But good intentions don’t automatically make us good listeners. Some of the things we do to help can unintentionally shut a conversation down.
Four Communication Habits That Can Get in the Way
This isn’t about making parents feel guilty. We’re human. I’ve caught myself doing some of these things, too. The point is to notice what’s happening and respond differently when we can.
1. Listening to Fix: “Here’s What You Should Do…”
Your child comes home upset because a friend excluded them at lunch. Before they’ve finished, you’re offering solutions:
- “Why don’t you sit with someone else tomorrow?”
- “You should tell your friend how that made you feel.”
- “Just ignore them. They’re not worth your time.”
But what if they just want to tell you what happened, or have someone acknowledge how much it hurt? Sometimes people don’t need us to solve their problems. They need us to sit with them while they work through what they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean never offering advice. It means slowing down long enough to find out what kind of support our child needs.
2. Listening to Judge: “What Were You Thinking?”
Your teenager tells you they lied, made a mistake with a friend, or did something you told them not to do. Your first reaction might be, “What were you thinking?” or “I can’t believe you thought that was a good idea!”
We have a responsibility to guide our kids and hold them accountable. But there’s a difference between addressing a behavior and making our child feel like a bad person. When kids expect criticism, they may leave out details or wait until a problem becomes impossible to hide.
Instead, try: “Help me understand what was happening for you in that moment.”
Maybe there was peer pressure. Maybe they were embarrassed, scared, or trying to fit in. You can still talk about consequences. Understanding your child’s behavior doesn’t mean approving of it. It means understanding it before deciding how to respond.
3. Listening to Preach: “When I Was Your Age…”
Ah, the parenting lecture.
Your child mentions a disagreement with a friend, and suddenly you’re explaining good friends, standing up for yourself, and taking responsibility. Ten minutes later, you’re still talking, and your child is giving you that unmistakable eye roll that says, “Here we go again.”
A conversation stops feeling like a conversation when one person does all the talking. Not every conversation needs to become a parenting seminar. The next time you catch yourself starting with “When I was your age…”, pause. Your experience may be valuable, but your child is telling you about theirs. Start there.
4. Listening to Minimize: “It’s Not That Bad.”
Your child wasn’t invited to a party, or is anxious about a test, or heartbroken over a friendship falling apart. You want them to feel better, so you say:
- “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”
- “You’ll forget all about this in a few days.”
- “Other kids have it much worse.”
But think about the last time someone told you that you were overreacting. Did you feel better, or misunderstood? Something doesn’t have to seem like a big deal to us to feel like a big deal to our child. Instead, try:
- “That sounds really disappointing.”
- “I can see how much this matters to you.”
- “I might see this differently, but I want to understand why it’s affecting you so much.”
Your child shouldn’t have to convince you their feelings are justified before they’re allowed to express them.
So, What Does Real Listening Look Like?
You might be thinking, “Okay, Maria. So I’m not supposed to fix, judge, preach, or minimize. What am I supposed to do?”
Fair question! As a mom and a mental health therapist, I believe one of the biggest shifts we can make is to stop listening just to figure out what we’ll say next, and start listening because we’re genuinely curious. When we approach our kids with curiosity, we send a different message:
- “I’m interested in understanding you.”
- “You don’t have to feel differently for me to listen.”
- “We can talk about difficult things, even when we don’t agree.”
- And perhaps most importantly: “You don’t have to figure everything out before you come to me.”
Four Ways to Help Your Kids Feel Heard
You don’t have to get these right every time. Start by practicing one at a time.
1. Pause Before You Respond
Take a breath. You don’t have to fill every silence or solve the problem in the next 30 seconds. A little pause can move you from reacting to responding. You can have a big reaction on the inside without making it the center of the conversation on the outside.
2. Get Curious Instead of Making Assumptions
Instead of assuming you know why your child is upset, try:
- “Can you tell me more about that?”
- “What was that like for you?”
- “What do you think bothered you the most?”
- “How did you feel when that happened?”
And sometimes the simplest question is the most helpful one: “What do you need from me right now?”
3. Validate Their Feelings
Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything or that there are no consequences. It means their feelings are allowed to exist, even when you see the situation differently.
Your child says, “Everyone at school hates me!” Instead of “That’s not true! You have plenty of friends,” try: “It sounds like something happened today that really hurt you.”
Or your child is angry because you said no. You can acknowledge their disappointment without changing your decision: “I know you’re really upset that I’m not letting you go. I understand that you were looking forward to it, and my answer is still no.”
You’re showing your child that you can hold a boundary and still care about how they feel.
4. Connect Before You Correct
This might be the most important one. When your child comes home crying after an argument with a friend, they may not be ready to hear what they should have done differently.
Start by connecting. Listen. Ask questions. Acknowledge what they’re feeling. Once things have settled, you can talk about choices and next steps. The transition can be as simple as: “Would you like to talk about what you might do differently next time?”
Connection doesn’t replace correction. It helps create the conditions for correction to be heard.
And when you get it wrong, you can always come back: “I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I don’t think I really listened. I went straight into trying to fix things. I’m sorry. Can we try that conversation again?” That’s a wonderful thing for your children to see you model.
You Don’t Have to Be a Perfect Listener
The goal isn’t a child who always agrees with us or tells us everything. It’s a relationship where they know they can come to us, feel respected even when we disagree, and don’t have to hide their struggles to protect us from their feelings.
We can’t make every problem in our children’s lives disappear. But we can be someone they feel safe turning to when those problems arise.
And that kind of connection is worth practicing, one conversation at a time.
Want to Learn More?
Join us on October 12th for a free, live, virtual class, Improving Parent-Child Communication Through Every Age and Stage, as part of our monthly "Empowered Parents, Resilient Children" Pediatric Parent Support Series. Register to get the details to join the class and any future topic classes.
This class is led by Maria Winters, a licensed mental health therapist and the founder of The Coaching Therapist, LLC. She help individuals, families, and organizations build emotional skills through practical, engaging mental health education and workshops.
Find more of Maria's work and resources on Instagram: @coaching_therapist and at www.thecoachingtherapist.com
She is also the founder of Emotional Fitness Studio, a community initiative offering completely free, in-person workshops in the Annapolis area. Sponsored by local businesses, these workshops give people a welcoming place to learn practical skills that can improve their emotional well-being, strengthen relationships, and make life a little easier to navigate.
From communication and boundaries to managing stress and navigating life's challenges, Emotional Fitness Studio is about making mental health education accessible to our community.
Because learning how to take care of ourselves emotionally can make a difference not only in our own lives, but in the lives of the people around us.
Learn more about upcoming workshops at https://thecoachingtherapist.com/emotional-fitness-studio/